Happy 2nd birthday in Heaven, sweet baby girl.

Today marks two years since my little girl grew her angel wings...  October 22nd marks the day that I was told that my daughter no longer had a heartbeat.  That she had left this Earth to enter another place.  I cannot even fathom that it has been that long now.  Where has the time gone?

It has been so long since I have written on here that I hardly know what to write anymore.  Yet, this is the place I have come to remember her.  To share her.  I may post something on Facebook, but this feels more secure.  Private.  Privileged.  I have shared Kennedy's story with so many, yet this is very much the place and world where I felt the most secure in doing so.  She was readily accepted as was I.  Here is where I continue to feel that her presence will be remembered.  Facebook is a place where people in my life who continue to wonder why I have not "moved on" will question why I would post a birthday remembrance for my dead baby still after all this time.  The scrutiny is enough for me to want to hide.  I just don't know....

I continue to feel some acceptance and love these days following the event that was planned for all babies gone too soon.  The idea came from my sweet little girl.  Without her, I would not have ever thought to plan such an event for the Madison area.  She is the reason for the celebration of life.  The gift of a child no matter how small was embraced and remembered.  Kennedy's life provided others the opportunity to talk and share about their babies.  What a gift she truly was and is.  She not only changed my life in more ways than I ever imagined, but she also has changed the lives of others.  The impact this little girl will have in the future is endless.  

As I sit and write, I think about what it would be like for me to be planning a 2nd birthday for a little girl.  Would it have been a family party?  Or would there be little friends for her too?  What would she wear?  What theme would the party be?  Would she smile and giggle with everyone around her or would she be shy with all the attention?  Would she jump right in to eat birthday cake or would her dainty little fingers never touch it at all?  Would my little girl want baby dolls or trucks and cars?  What music would we dance to?  How many fingers would she hold up?  How many changes of clothes would there be?  Those are my questions.  My dreams.  My fantasies.  It doesn't matter how any of those questions would have been answered....the important thing would be that they would be answered.  Because it would mean that she was here.  Alive.  With me.  Instead, I can only hope that this party is just as I imagined it to be...only in a different place.  A far better place than here, but without me.  I hope she is giggling in a frilly pink dress with pink ribbons in her hair with family and friends all around her.  I would hope she would at least try the birthday cake with pink frosting and try to blow out her candles with the help of others.  Knowing my little girl, she would want a baby doll as a gift and would dance to any music that was playing.  My little girl would be happy and loved.  My little girl is happy and loved.  

So, Miss Kennedy Kate, I wish you the happiest birthday/heaven date of them all.  May this year in Heaven bring new surprises...new joys...and love to you always.  Your mommy wishes she was there with you to celebrate or even for you to be here, but there will be many birthdays to celebrate someday when we meet again.  You are my dream come true, Kennedy Kate.  I never imagined that I could love someone as much as I love you...but it's true, a mother's love is so different than any other kind of love.  You are my world.  My prized possession.  My gift.  Being away from you is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.  I need you to continue to be happy, baby girl, and to always know how much you are loved and remembered.  You are my firstborn, KK...and you forever will hold a special place in my heart.  Give your Gr8ams a big hug and kiss from me.  

Love you to the moon and back, baby of mine.  

Remembering the final good-bye

Dear beautiful daughter of mine,

Mommy just wanted to send a little note to you letting you know how much I am still thinking of you this week and especially, today. Today, Kennedy, was the last time I was able to say good-bye to you with you physically still with me. I can remember exactly the way it felt and the way I looked when doing it. I had been told by the nurses that I needed to start getting ready for surgery. So, I went into the bathroom at the hospital to change into the gown that they had given me. As I got undressed, I remember looking in the mirror for the final time while having you in my tummy, put my right hand on my tummy, and said "Goodbye, my little angel. I will miss you." After that, I couldn't look in the mirror the rest of the day because I knew nothing would ever be the same again. You would never be with me on Earth in a physical matter.

When it was time for my surgery, I was taken in the bed through the OB section of the hospital. I remember how they took me right by the babies. Although, they tried to do it in the fastest manner, it was one of the things that I will remember most. I knew that you would never be in that window, Kennedy. I knew that my baby would never have the chance to be "oohed" and "ahhed" at or asked whose beautiful baby that was. I'm sorry you didn't have that, sweetie. Then, the surgery came, and before I went under, I guess I asked the doctor to do another ultrasound to make sure that you were gone. I have no recollection of this, Kennedy, but it must have been on my mind enough to really want to make sure before they took you away from me. I also made sure that once the procedure was over, that I wouldn't have to actually see the ultrasound they would do to make sure you were completely gone. I couldn't bear to see that empty screen without my little chickadee in it. Today, I still have haunting memories of what that will look like.

After the surgery, I remember a strange sense of relief. I wasn't in so much physical pain anymore...but the pain was different. It was an ache for you. But the pain was more in my heart than in my back, tummy and legs. It's the same pain I still feel for you today a whole year later. I ache to hold you, kiss you, and be with you. I ache to be your mommy here on Earth. I think I will always feel that, Kennedy. No matter what...until the day that we are with each other again.

Oh, Kennedy, how I miss you and wish that things could have been different. How I wish that you were here with me today celebrating the birth of your "cousin," George and getting ready to go out trick-or-treating with your Grandma Gigi. You would have been the cutest baby in your costume (although I have no idea what you would have been). I continue to see baby Dorothy costumes and shoes, so we may have gone that route this year. I know that I really have no idea how you would have been on Earth...if you would have been sick, hurting, in the hospital, etc., but I know how much I just wish you were here. Granted, I wouldn't want you to be suffering, so I pray that you are well up in Heaven...and happy. I know that we will be together again someday, but right now, that just doesn't seem soon enough.

Please have fun with your angel friends up in Heaven...there are way too many of you up there, and I wish it wasn't that way, but I am glad that you have friends and people that love you. Hugs and kisses to you, my baby girl. Happy Halloween, in case I don't write again!!

Love you always,
Mommy

A giveaway in honor of Kennedy's heavenly birthday

In honor of Kennedy Kate's first heavenly birthday, I'm offering a giveaway to all of you wonderful baby loss mothers out there who have supported me throughout my journey of loss this past year. I could not have done this without you...and I'm so glad that I took the leap and wrote a blog. It's been extremely helpful....I feel supported....and loved. Please comment on this post if you would like to be included in the giveaway and spread the word to others if you think they would be interested.

As most of you know, I remember Kennedy by wearing and collecting things with butterflies. Each day, I make sure I have something butterfly on to symbolize the life of my little girl. She is always present in my heart...but by wearing butterflies, it makes her feel more present in a physical sense. Then, if people want to ask about the butterflies, I tell them about why I wear them which typically leads to a talk about my daughter. So, for Kennedy's giveaway, I felt it necessary to find something that had a butterfly with or on it. I came up with this specific figurine made by D. Antonia Truesdale at The Midnight Orange after Jessica from Too Beautiful For Earth sent me a touching card and postcard. It hit very close to home as it is very symbolic to the way I feel about my little girl. She is, and always will be, my beautiful butterfly. After writing an email to D. Antonia about Kennedy and her first angelversary, I knew that this was the perfect giveaway gift. The winner will have the opportunity to make choices on colors of wings, people, etc. So, please comment by the end of Friday, October 22nd (Kennedy's heaven date)...I look forward to giving this beautiful sculpture to someone who will appreciate it and hold it dear to their heart.

*As a side note, any of you BLMs that have unfortunately experienced more than one loss, I will be able to order a sculpture similar to this with up to as many babies as need to be added. I don't want to exclude anyone from this giveaway.*

*The winner will be notified via blog this weekend. Hugs to you all*