Thank you, December

November has been a terrible month for me. And I haven't quite figured out why... Was it that the anxiety and anticipation of October wasn't as bad as I thought it would be? And that in all actuality I enjoyed finding ways to honor my little girl. So, maybe November was kind of a let down in a lot of ways? No one really wanted to talk about plans that would be made for Kennedy or even mention her name at all. We had passed October... It was time to move on. Maybe? Or maybe the doom and gloom of cold weather hit and the overwhelming sense of glee and happiness from others over the holidays hit? I really don't know...but I do know that I can't wait to turn the calendar to the next month. Although I anticipate the busy-ness of this month and the sadness from missing my little girl during the holidays, I am willing to accept the change of the month in hopes that it will be a better one. Somethings gotta give, right?

So, here's to you, December. The magical month of many holidays, my birthday and beautiful snowy weather. May this month bring more happy times and smiles to last into next year. Wishing this for you all this month, even though I know it may seem to be quite difficult. Hoping you find something that makes your heart glow again. Maybe it will the 25 days of giveaways or the holiday gift exchange? Maybe it will be a friendly comment or card from a fellow BLM who understands what you're going through. Maybe it will be a heartfelt text from a long-lost friend that just wants to show you that he/she cares? Whatever it may be...I hope it comes to each of you at least once during this month. We all deserve a break, why not make it during the holiday season? Hugs and love.

Dearest Kennedy,

Mommy is very much looking forward to a change of pace this holiday season. A change of heart...where I feel some comfort knowing I'm doing things for me and in honor of you at all times. I hope you like your new little things that I put out for you at Roselawn. Can't wait to add more as the month goes on. Hoping the snow doesn't prevent that.... I am so curious of what Heaven is like this time of year. Wondering if you're wearing beautiful red dresses with bows in your curly hair (I'm almost positive it would be curly). Thank you for keeping watch over me and all the people I love. I can feel your presence with me, sweet girl. Keep smiling, little chickadee, and know that I always love you. Happy December, KK.

Love you,
Mommy

Being me

I have been meaning to start this post awhile ago...especially around the time that my life kind of went into a tailspin (about a month ago), but here it is, November 28th and I'm ready to write it down.

Do any of you ever feel like you just can't be "you" anymore? I mean...we talk so much about making a life out of our "new normal," but I still find that I can't truly be "me" as the "new me" with most people. I find that people want me to be the same girl/woman. The girl/woman before I lost Kennedy. Before my marriage started going really bad. Before people weren't sympathetic or empathetic to my situation. Most just think I can go back to being that person. A year later...and I'm still amazed at the pressure to be "okay" and back to the "old me."

But I find that I really only feel like "me" when I'm with people who truly understand what I have been through. And that's people who read my blog. People who I have met through my bereavement support group. And my counselor. There are so few people that "get me." Those are the people who really listen and really support me. They have been through it and are working to know who they are too.

I think this has been very difficult for me to deal with since I pride myself on having so many wonderful friends and family. And I still really do have wonderful friends and family. But most don't understand how I am doing...and really just want me to be "better." These are the same family and friends who would rather just forget that Kennedy even existed than mentioning her name. In the past 6 months, I have been working on spending more time with my friends and getting back into the "swing" of things again, but I still find it difficult when Kennedy is never far from my mind. How do I take part in small talk or minor problems when I am still dealing with all of the "major" stuff in my life? I hope this doesn't sound selfish...but I realize that it might.

There are days that I just wish I could take part in "small talk" conversation and realize that this is just "normal." I wish that talk about "Dancing with the Stars" would come as easy as it used to....but it doesn't. I wonder if it ever will.... But maybe that's just me being me now. Maybe I'm such a "deep" person due to my situations that the small talk of everyday life just doesn't interest me anymore. I have no idea...but I do wish I had some answers. I wish I knew how to be me with everyone. I wish everyone would just accept me for who I am now.

By the way, my dear BLMs, one of my wonderful friends, Melissa, who completely accepts me for who I am now is having a giveaway on her blog, Amazing Mikayla Grace, in honor of her 50th post. The prizes are amazing!! Good luck!

I am thankful

November has turned out to be a very tough month for me...and it kind of came out of nowhere to be that way. As of late, it has gotten a little better, but I knew that the holidays may be a little difficult. After all, this was supposed to be the first holidays for my little girl had she been born in February like the doctors had predicted. However, she's not here....and I do hope that she is able to enjoy the holidays as she might have had she been here on Earth with me. After all, my little girl does deserve the best.

This week has been very interesting. On Monday, I had a car incident where my front bumper (which must have been loose) detached from the front end of my car and caused me to swerve into the median of the highway and then across traffic. I just barely missed a couple of signs and other cars, yet in so many ways, it didn't feel like any cars and signs were very close at all. I almost felt like there was some sort of protection around me. Like someone was watching over me wanting me to be okay and to live. Maybe even to live for her. As I sat on the side of the road hardly able to move due to the shock effect, I felt a true sense of connection to my baby girl. A connection that goes deeper than just being a mother to a baby on Earth. It's a connection that allows me to believe that my little girl is being taken care of and is okay. It's a connection to realize that she is up above always watching over me. It's a connection that runs deeper than anything...part of my soul is away from me. And part of my soul will always be away from me until I leave this Earth myself. Thank you, Kennedy Kate, for being a part of my life. Thank you for making me a mommy and allowing me to know what true love is. Thank you for being my angel and for watching over me. I will try my best to live my life without you and be thankful for each day I have here on Earth. You are an absolute blessing in so many ways. I love you always, my sweet baby girl.

Also, as this is my first Thanksgiving since starting this blog, I felt it was very important to take the opportunity to show my gratitude and appreciation to all of you out there who read my blog and support me with your kind words and prayers. I feel truly blessed by this community...and am a better person because of all of you. I know that I would not be where I am today....a stronger, healthier person who has come to appreciate life in a completely different way than I ever did before October of 2009. So, this Thanksgiving, I am also thankful for the friendships I have made and the people that I have met through the help of my beautiful daughter, Kennedy. Although, we all say how much we wish we didn't have to know each other under the circumstances that we "met", I know that our babies have given each of us a gift. A gift to find people who truly understand. A gift to be able to write our thoughts down and share them with complete strangers. A gift to want to share the story of our babies for the entire world to see and hear. And a gift to be there for others as we continue on this journey called life with pieces of our hearts in Heaven.

Hugs and love to you all this Thanksgiving. Wishing you peace today and always.

Miles of Hope for Moms that Mourn

It's been awhile since I've been on here...and I have definitely been missing writing and reading fellow BLM's insights and good well wishes. I have been needing it with a desperation incredibly deep the last couple of weeks. I have taken a turn....and it's been a turn for the worse. I have allowed myself to put up a strong facade the last couple of weeks as I try to rejoice in the birth of one of my best friend's babies and as another shared that she was pregnant with her first. I have also had to put on a strong face through the loss of one of my friend's sisters these past two weeks as I want so much to be there for her. It's been a very trying couple of weeks. And, of course, I continue to ache and grieve for the little girl that I will never hold or care for. I feel overwhelmed by my sadness lately....and I realize that it's just a part of the wave/rollercoaster, but it's been very hard to function.

However, I have had one thing that I have been looking forward to and that is the Miles of Hope for Moms that Mourn walk that will take place tomorrow. One of my co-workers (the one that made Kennedy's hope chest) found this walk on her runner's world and sent it to me right away. We have only known about the walk for the past week and a half, but I was able to get some people together to do it in honor of Kennedy. I am excited that some fellow BLMs from support group will be joining me that day in our walk of remembrance and hope. Despite the fact that it is going to be quite chilly in Wisconsin, I am thrilled to have this opportunity and do it with people that love me and love Kennedy. I will take pictures and add them sometime this weekend or into next week. I am hoping that this walk gives me some renewed sense of hope and remembrance in a good way. I am in need of that right now.

Love to you all....

Guilt

After reading Melissa's post on Amazing Mikayla Grace today, it gave me perspective and inspiration to write about some things that have really been bothering me as of late. Since celebrating and honoring Kennedy's heaven date on the 22nd, I have wondered where I would be in my grief journey. In some ways, I almost thought that I would be "done" with my journey and ready to "move on" with my life. I thought that there might be a possibility that the peace I found that day would offer me some hope in returning to what my life was like before my loss. Realistic or not, this is what I thought.

However, different events in the past couple weeks have led me to return to the angry state. The angry state has been caused directly by the guilt I have been feeling. I am feeling guilty because of the time I have lost grieving my little girl. After hitting the year anniversary, it hit me how much time has gone by. How much has happened in a year. And how much I haven't done for anyone other than myself.

This is a terrible realization. And a truly sinking feeling. I've come to realize that I was doing what was best for me, and it was something I needed to do in order to be "healthy me." However, in my eyes, it doesn't make it okay. In the past two weeks, I have had two friends call to catch up. Neither of these phone calls have been returned by me yet. (Although, I have tried...just not at opportune times for the friend...and I knew that). In the past week, I have had a best friend have her first baby and another friend lose her sister to liver failure.

I finally made an effort on Sunday to see my friend's baby. I even held him....but not before feeling some anger at myself for being jealous that she had a baby and I didn't. I am guilty of wishing "he" was my baby. I am guilty of wishing that was my life. And I am guilty of not being there for her at all times. I wanted to be the one to help plan her shower. I wanted to help her register. But I didn't do any of those things...I couldn't. And I gave myself the "ok" to be that way, but I hate what it's doing to me now.

And then my friend that lost her sister... What a terrible situation. Her sister was 27 years old and had been fighting liver problems for four years. She was actually number one on the transplant list for the last few months before she passed away. I have known that her sister had been dealing with this for a couple of years now. Last year, they held a benefit for her right around the time I lost Kennedy, so I had a good idea that things weren't going well. Yet, I have maybe seen this friend a couple of times in the past year. We may have talked four or five times. And all along, her sister was dying. Yes, it was sudden...but it's the whole idea. I should have been there for my friend. I should have called her more often or gotten together with her to see how she was dealing with her sister's sickness. But no...I put myself first. And now I feel the guilt. And it hurts so much. Now, I feel like I'm playing "catch up." When I got the news of her sister's death, I sent messages and a card right away. I called to see what I could do. I made sure to answer my phone the minute I saw that she had called. When I was finally able to talk to my friend, I made sure she knew that I was here for her. I also offered to help with the benefit or the visitation that they are holding on Saturday. I want to make up for the lost time. I want to stop this guilt. I want to do what I can...and put others first.

I realize that a lot of time has gone by...and I also realize that I'm a different person, but the Alissa of a year and a half ago would have done anything for the people she loved. She would gone above and beyond the call of duty to reach out to long lost friends or set up get togethers. I want so much to go back to that life. I want to be that "old" Alissa. I want this guilt to stop. I want to move on, but not forget my Kennedy and all that she gave me. How do I do this? How do I change what has happened? How do I stop this awful feeling....of guilt?

Remembering the final good-bye

Dear beautiful daughter of mine,

Mommy just wanted to send a little note to you letting you know how much I am still thinking of you this week and especially, today. Today, Kennedy, was the last time I was able to say good-bye to you with you physically still with me. I can remember exactly the way it felt and the way I looked when doing it. I had been told by the nurses that I needed to start getting ready for surgery. So, I went into the bathroom at the hospital to change into the gown that they had given me. As I got undressed, I remember looking in the mirror for the final time while having you in my tummy, put my right hand on my tummy, and said "Goodbye, my little angel. I will miss you." After that, I couldn't look in the mirror the rest of the day because I knew nothing would ever be the same again. You would never be with me on Earth in a physical matter.

When it was time for my surgery, I was taken in the bed through the OB section of the hospital. I remember how they took me right by the babies. Although, they tried to do it in the fastest manner, it was one of the things that I will remember most. I knew that you would never be in that window, Kennedy. I knew that my baby would never have the chance to be "oohed" and "ahhed" at or asked whose beautiful baby that was. I'm sorry you didn't have that, sweetie. Then, the surgery came, and before I went under, I guess I asked the doctor to do another ultrasound to make sure that you were gone. I have no recollection of this, Kennedy, but it must have been on my mind enough to really want to make sure before they took you away from me. I also made sure that once the procedure was over, that I wouldn't have to actually see the ultrasound they would do to make sure you were completely gone. I couldn't bear to see that empty screen without my little chickadee in it. Today, I still have haunting memories of what that will look like.

After the surgery, I remember a strange sense of relief. I wasn't in so much physical pain anymore...but the pain was different. It was an ache for you. But the pain was more in my heart than in my back, tummy and legs. It's the same pain I still feel for you today a whole year later. I ache to hold you, kiss you, and be with you. I ache to be your mommy here on Earth. I think I will always feel that, Kennedy. No matter what...until the day that we are with each other again.

Oh, Kennedy, how I miss you and wish that things could have been different. How I wish that you were here with me today celebrating the birth of your "cousin," George and getting ready to go out trick-or-treating with your Grandma Gigi. You would have been the cutest baby in your costume (although I have no idea what you would have been). I continue to see baby Dorothy costumes and shoes, so we may have gone that route this year. I know that I really have no idea how you would have been on Earth...if you would have been sick, hurting, in the hospital, etc., but I know how much I just wish you were here. Granted, I wouldn't want you to be suffering, so I pray that you are well up in Heaven...and happy. I know that we will be together again someday, but right now, that just doesn't seem soon enough.

Please have fun with your angel friends up in Heaven...there are way too many of you up there, and I wish it wasn't that way, but I am glad that you have friends and people that love you. Hugs and kisses to you, my baby girl. Happy Halloween, in case I don't write again!!

Love you always,
Mommy

A birthday celebration sent to Heaven

October 22nd, 2010 turned out to be a beautiful day in Madison, Wisconsin. The angels must have been looking down on us and smiling knowing that Kennedy's mom, dad and grandparents wanted a special day to honor their little girl in Heaven. We couldn't have asked for a more perfect day to honor and remember our sweet little butterfly. The only thing that could have made it better is if she would have physically been there with us, but we are learning to accept that Kennedy was needed in another place. We all look forward to the day when we can be with her again. Happy heavenly birthday, Kennedy Kate. Hugs and kisses to you always.

Here are many of the pictures of the birthday celebration for Kennedy.
It really turned out beautiful.

Kennedy's Grandma Gigi had made an early stop at the memorial park to leave some special things for her that day. Kennedy even has her own little cupcake at her headstone where we can leave special notes for her now.

Kennedy Kate, We Love You Forever!

Kennedy's daddy writing her a letter on her heavenly birthday.

Kennedy's Grandma Gigi making sure her balloons are tied on tight to her
new butterfly stand.

Mommy writing Kennedy a letter now.

Mommy's letter to her baby in Heaven.

Kennedy's mommy and daddy making sure the letters are tied tightly to the balloons. Making sure they will make it all the way to Heaven.

A couple last photos before the balloons are sent up to Kennedy.

Making sure we get far enough away from the trees to safely let the balloons go...

Happy Heavenly Birthday, little Kennedy Kate. Here are some balloons sent up to you for your birthday celebration in Heaven.

The balloons almost didn't make it there...

There they go...Love you, baby girl.

"Kennedy's Korner" (still a work in progress)

A beautiful picture that one of Mommy's friends from support group made for her. Thank you, Oliver's mommy.

Kennedy's candle from Audrey's mommy, Michelle. It is so beautiful.

Some of the butterfly cupcakes that Mommy made....
Grandma Gigi and Daddy helped decorate.

Look at all of the wonderful cards from people that remembered Kennedy's
heavenly birthday. Thank you so much!

Kennedy's special chest full of mementos and cards from Kennedy's life.

Grandma Gigi and Grandpa Jon found this beautiful quilt for me for Kennedy's heavenly birthday. It's absolutely perfect.

Winner of Kennedy's Giveaway

And the winner for Kennedy's heavenly birthday giveaway is commenter #4: Brandy, Joseph's mother. So happy for her and honored that she will have a figurine in her home in honor of her little one and Kennedy. Congratulations, Brandy! I will be in touch via email to give you all additional details. Hugs to you, mama. Thank you to all participants of the giveaway. I was so touched by your comments of love.

To Kennedy, on your 1st heavenly birthday

Happy Heavenly birthday, Kennedy Kate. Wishing you butterfly kisses and great big bear hugs as you celebrate your life up in Heaven. Mommy misses you today and always. A celebration of your life is planned....and many thoughts of you will be sent up to Heaven today. You are loved, my little chickadee, and remembered. Your life changed mine and so many others. It changed it for the better, Kennedy, although that may be hard to believe. I know what love is, Kennedy. You showed me that better than anyone else could. I loved you with all of my heart...and today, that's why I wear my heart on my sleeve. Part of my heart will always be with you. It will never truly be whole again until we meet again. I will live my life for you, my little girl. And I will make it a good one. Thank you for blessing me with your presence. Thank you for being my first little girl.

Love and hugs,
Mommy

Mother's Song

I've lost my baby daughter
Though not misplaced.
I feel she's somewhere
Bound by neither time nor space.
Perhaps she sits before the Throne
With radiant face.
She could be dancing happily
Like little girls do
With golden taps beneath
Each precious little shoe.
I know she must love music,
So I'm sure it's true.
I'm grateful that in Heaven
She is healthy and strong
And that she's lulled to sleep each night
By Heaven's song,
But I wish I could hold her;
Is that terribly wrong?
I sang so often to her
While she was with me
And I will go on listening
For her harmony.
How sweet to know
I'll hear it In eternity.

-Lisa L. Easterling

P.S. Please continue to post on Kennedy's giveaway if you're interested before the end of the day today.