No Curfew for the Guilt Monster

No matter how much time goes by...my mind seems to always wander back to those days.  And it really doesn't seem to be triggered by much of anything.  Maybe quiet time?  Maybe night?  Maybe just trying to reflect on all that has happened?  I'm not quite sure.  But the guilt monster arrived last night...and it created quite the disturbance in my sleep last night and in my thoughts today.

I know that I have mentioned it before in my blog, but to those of you that have forgotten or are new to this blog, I didn't give birth to Kennedy.  I decided with the assistance of my OB to go the route of a D&E.  This is a decision that I have regretted or felt guilty about since I lost Kennedy.  However, I have always regretted it from the perspective of my loss.  That I didn't get to see her.  Hold her.  Feel her one last time.  Last night, my mind drifted to a completely different place.  A place that I haven't really looked at or I can't remember looking at...ever.  The perspective of Kennedy's father.  I don't know why it went there.  The only thing that comes to my mind about looking at it from his eyes would be that I am finally finding some peace with that situation and where our lives have taken us.  But regardless of trying to figure that out....my mind drifted to that day when we found out.

We were able to meet with an OB after the ultrasound...not my regular OB, but a doctor who was at the clinic that night.  He talked through what had possibly happened (although he knew very little) and then discussed options with us of what could be done.  I was so caught off guard and in shock that I couldn't make any decisions at that point.  I wasn't ready.  I didn't believe.  But the one thing that kept sticking in my mind was that I just needed this to be done.  I couldn't stand the pain.  Physically and emotionally.  I was drained.  I didn't want any reminders of what I had lost.  Even though I didn't actually make a decision that night, I really believe I had in my head.  I was ready for it to be over.  I didn't want to see her.  I wanted to forget.  But I also remember how Kennedy's father and my mother thought it would be best for me to give birth.  I didn't get it at that point....but I wish I had.  I wish I had listened.  I wish I had heard why.  I wish I had given myself that chance.  But I also wish I would have given it to them...especially Kennedy's daddy.  

When we went back the next day to meet with my regular OB, the options were then given to me again after discussion of what had happened to her.  Again, we really didn't get many answers until after the procedure.  All the doctor could explain was that her heart had stopped and she had stopped growing.  I was supposed to be 22 weeks, but she was measuring at 19 weeks, 5 days.  My regular OB proceeded to discuss the pros and cons of either delivering or having a D&E.  Like I said, I had already really decided.  The only drawback to me, at that time, was that I would have to wait since very few doctors have the ability to do that procedure.    I had known waiting might be a part of it.  In my mind, I was going to be okay with waiting as long as at the end of it all, I would be done.  This is where my mindset was.   No one could change my mind.  I wanted it all to just be over.  And because I was given choices, I believe I chose the easier route.  I didn't want to feel the pain of labor.  I didn't want to experience all of that for the first time and have no baby at the end.  I didn't want to see her.  I believed that if I didn't see her, I could just forget she ever existed at all.  Oh, boy...I didn't have a clue. I wish there had been someone for me to talk to.  To confide in.  To just make sense of it all.  And the thing that hits me now even after writing this....is the big "I" statements.  "I" this.  "I" that.  Where is the "we"?

Where was he?  What was he thinking?  What was he saying?  Was he just agreeing with me eventually?  Or did he want to see her?  Did he want to hold her?  We have never discussed this.  And is it because I took that opportunity away from him?  Am I guilty of only thinking of me?  Was I so blindsided by the situation that I forgot to look at it from his eyes?  Could I not wrap my mind around what had happened that I completely forgot that he was there too?  Does he regret "our" decision?  Does he hold a grudge that he never got to see his daughter?  Wow...this is very, very painful.  It brings up so many unanswered questions and worries.  Maybe even things that I am starting to forget.  Or things that I want to forget.  But I truly cannot remember him talking about it with me or anyone else.  I think he followed my lead after that first night.  And if he did....this is what led me to these thoughts last night.

I am guilty.  Guilty of falling back into this trap of regret. I think it goes away....and maybe is even completely gone, and all of a sudden, it is back.  With a vengeance.  And this one hurts...more than it has for quite awhile.  Because it doesn't just target Kennedy.  It targets other people in my life.  People who are very important to her.  People who had the right to fight for her...fight to see her...fight to hold her.  Why didn't he?  What happened?  Why guilt monster?  Why now?

Tears

“Tears are words the heart can't express"

And so they came.  Tears that is.  The tears that have been away for awhile.  Tears that I actually didn't push away but were actually gone.  But the tears have arrived with the month of February.  And they continue to show up.  

On Sunday night, February 12, 2012 (2/12/12), the newest family member arrived.  Little B to my cousins in New York.  This is the baby I posted about last time who was due on Kennedy's due date.  I am grateful she arrived healthy, but I am also grateful she arrived early.  Not only was I worried about Kennedy's due date but the anniversary of my Grams' passing is just around the corner too (the 28th).  I am so very happy for my cousins.  But I can't hide my jealousy.  Bitterness.  And sadness.  My baby was due in February two years ago. Yet she's not here.  She never will be here (in a physical sense).  It hurts.  I have been in touch with my aunt and cousins quite often regarding the arrival of this little one wanting only the best for them and this baby.  I did all of that because I truly care.  But when the day came that she was here and the description of "brown curls" came via text, I couldn't help but let the tears fall.  


A little girl with brown curls.  How absolutely perfect.  Born on a very special day in February.  I could no longer avoid the pain and sadness I felt at that moment.  And so the tears expressed what I felt as I made the trip to school that day.  The tears were able to be wiped away before I walked into school that day and pushed all the emotion away until a more appropriate time.  Three to five year olds need a happy, peppy Miss Alissa.  So, that's who I became that day.  That's who I need to be most days.


But the tears continue to show up at various times this month.  Tears that express my innermost emotions.  Fear, sadness, anger, grief, loneliness, jealousy, joy, hope, anticipation, etc.  But they typically fall pretty silently these days.  They fall at the most interesting moments....random commercials, random movies, random songs, random thoughts.  But, of course, they relate most to what I have lost.  At times, I think the tears hurt more now because I try so very hard to push them away.  I am so very sick of being sad...but sadness seems to continue to haunt me.  It doesn't go away no matter how hard I try to push it away.  And then the tears come.  They come as a reminder.  My reminder.  I have lost.  There is no getting away from that.  And it still hurts after all this time.  Kennedy.  Grams. Friendships long gone. A life that I expected to have.  Gone.  My heart continues to yearn for what is gone.  And the tears will always come.  They will continue to express those feelings even when I want most for them to just go away.  

Jealous much?

Yes.  Painfully so.

I am jealous.  And I am sad.  Another one of my co-workers announced her pregnancy at 6 1/2 weeks.  She hasn't been to see a doctor yet, but figured it was in her best interest to explain why she was eating or puking so much.  So, she announces it with a cute little poem letting all in our school know that there are now four babies due by September of this year.  Four beautiful bellies full of life and love.  And not one of them is mine.  :(

I know, I know.  I do not know their stories.  But yes, I do know most of them.  Actually, all of them.  There haven't been any losses.  No one has been actively trying for a long time.  And yes, I do want to be happy for all of them.  No, I am happy for all of them.  But it hurts.  Still.  After all this time.  Yuck.  Jealousy sucks.

Four babies.  Four babies that I want to go home with their mommies when they are ready.  Four babies that are so wanted.  Four babies that are the talk of the school.  I try so hard to be supportive.  I want so desperately to be excited and share in their excitement.  But I can't....not everyday.  It just exhausts me.  I can't handle complaints about being sick every single day.  I don't want to hear talk about how you are so glad that you are having this first baby in your twenties.  I just don't.

I tried to have a baby in my twenties...and I was sick almost everyday of that pregnancy, but my baby didn't live.  My story no one wants to talk about.  No one wants to hear about how it was for me.  It scares them.  I hear comments about how "normal" it is to be sick everyday.  I want to scream, "THERE IS NO NORMAL!  YOUR BABY CAN DIE JUST LIKE MINE DID.  OR JUST LIKE SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS DID."  But I don't.  I say hardly anything....until....

Yep, there was a point yesterday when I finally had had enough.  The age comment came up again, and I had just had it.  I tried to be tactful, but I was frustrated.  So, I pointed out to my pregnant co-worker (who is also a friend) that there were people in the room who did not have children and were in their thirties.  I regretted it immediately.  I had put myself into that category.  I had said or admitted to not having children.  My co-worker kind of laughed it off, and said, "I was talking about me."  Oh, yes.  The pregnant mother who only thinks of herself.  How soon I forget.  (On a side note, I apologize to any BLM who is reading this and is currently pregnant with your rainbow baby.  This is not a tirade against you.  Circumstances are different.)

So, last night I came home and decided that it was okay to be sad.  After all, it's February.  Kennedy's due date month.  The month I lost my Grams.  The month that my cousins are expecting their first child, a girl (same due date as Kennedy).  Besides,  I have like a bazillion other people in my life who are expecting baby girls who aren't baby loss mamas. My job is very stressful.  An old co-worker of mine is dying of brain cancer.  Etc. Etc.   So, it's starting to wear on me.  Just a bit.  Actually, quite a bit.

I'm incredibly jealous.  I just want things to be easy.  I want them to be simple.  Sweet.  Wonderful.  Is there such a thing?  Is there such a time?  I want my cake and to eat it too.  When will it be my time?  I want to be blissful.  Full of love.  Full of happiness.  And full of dreams that came true.  Why does it feel like so many others get that, but I don't.  Okay...the more I write, the less I like myself.  So, I should probably stop.  Again, to reiterate, it just hurts.  Jealousy hurts.  It hurts most because I feel like there is nothing I can do to make it better or make it go away.

A Letter to You

Dearest daughter of mine,

Today I am writing to you as part of the Faces of Loss "International Creativity Month."  The founder of Faces of Loss, Kristin, otherwise known to you as Stevie's mama thought it would be a great way to kick off the month of creativity by connecting with our children through our writing.  And as you know, dear Kennedy, your mama has always loved writing on her blog and writing to you, so this should be easy.  But just as life often is, it is not as easy as I would like it to be.

I struggle with what to tell you.  What is new?  Well, more than likely, you already know that.  But anyways, let's start with that.  What is new...  Well, 2012 has been interesting so far.  I celebrated the New Year with some wonderful friends of mine (many of whom you may remember).  We danced.  We ate.  We drank a little too much.  We welcomed in the new year with many hopes and dreams.  And then we all went home.  And then your mama woke up sick.  I'm starting to realize I cannot do a lot of the things I used to, Kennedy.  Especially those that I did before I was pregnant with you.  My body has definitely changed.  But I know it's not just due to the pregnancy.  Your mama is just getting older.

So, then the 2nd came around.  A day I had been really looking forward to since my Badgers were going to be in the Rose Bowl game.  But that didn't stop the stomach flu from rearing it's ugly head.  And so it came.  And so it stayed...for 5 whole days.  By the way, just as an update to Heaven, the Badgers did not win.  And the Badger basketball team has not won since last year now.  Oh, and my Blue Devils lost too.  Needless to say, it's been a "rough" week and start to the new year.

I think that is the most ironic thing, though, Kennedy.  "Rough" now relates to physical illness.  Sports teams.  That's how times have changed for me, sweet girl.  I have changed.  I am moving ahead.  I have hopes and dreams again.  Two years ago, if I would have heard someone talk about "rough" times and mention the things I have, I probably would have punched him/her (and I do apologize to anyone who reads this and wants to do that to me).  Now, I am at the point in my grief where I can say things like that (obviously knowing better...and knowing my company) but feeling like that is what is "rough" in my life right now.  Things are getting better.  Slowly.  But they are getting better.  I can see the light.  I feel warmth again.  And there are many times when I am happy.

I hope this doesn't take away anything from you.  I hope you don't think that because my life really isn't so difficult anymore that it is because I have forgotten about you.  Because, without a doubt, that is definitely not the case.  There is never a day...maybe even an hour that goes by that I don't think of you.  I still ache for you.  I still miss you and what we could have had.  But you definitely play a different role in my life than (hopefully) any of your brothers/sisters will.  You are my guiding light.  My sunshine. My purpose.  My angel.  I feel your presence around me always.  Everything I do, I feel like I do with you in mind or with your guidance.  My heart is forever connected to yours.  We are bonded more closely than anyone else in this present world has with me.  You know my deepest thoughts and wishes.  And I know you want those to come true just as much as I do.  Your hope for 2012 is just as embedded in me as if we were together still.  I know we want the same things.  I know we believe in the same things.  I love that.  I love knowing that there is this little person out there who may/may not look similar to me but thinks and dreams the same way I do.  It makes me feel less alone.  And it gives me peace knowing that one of the things we both so desperately need in our lives, you are currently receiving in Heaven. And I am often finding here on Earth. Happiness.  Be happy always, Kennedy Kate.  Smile.  Laugh.  And know...you are loved.

Thank you for letting me write this letter to you.  Thank you for reading.  Listening.  Helping me write.  I so enjoy talking to you.  And knowing you are near.  I feel your love, sweet baby girl.  And your love will always help me get through the year and all that it has to bring.  Even those "rough" moments...actually, especially those.  As always, thank you for letting me be your mother.  There is nothing in this world I cherish more.

Hugs and kisses to you, my little chickadee.
Love you to Heaven and Back again,
Mommy

Blank Pages

"We will open the book. It's pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called 'Opportunity' and it's first chapter is New Year's Day." ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

While searching for something inspirational to post on Facebook regarding the turning of the calendar, I came across this quote.  To me, this quote explained exactly what I need 2012 to be.  A clean slate.  A new book.  A fresh start.  Any of those would do for me....as long as this year allows me to put some things in my life behind me in order to move ahead.  As I had posted in Ready for a new era?, I am grateful for the gift of time.  The opportunity to keep exploring and experiencing all that this life has to offer me.  But in order to continue to grow and move ahead, I know that I have to continue to look long and hard at the things in my life that have continued to bring me hardship and unhappiness.  

One of the first steps I made towards that goal of a fresh start was the ending of my marriage to Kennedy's father.  It had been a long and very difficult journey to come to that conclusion, but there is a weight that has been lifted.  It was no longer healthy or in a place where reconciliation could occur.  And although, it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, I knew that it was one part of my life that I had to let go.  I cannot begin to describe to anyone the emotional toll that that particular decision has had on me, but I can tell you that it is definitely not something to take lightly.  Marriage is work.  But it's a two-person job....when one doesn't give the same effort as the other, it breaks down.  And unfortunately, the breakdown of my marriage never was fixed.  However, I know that it was something I needed to do for me and my future.  

Another step that I have taken is looking into what options I have educationally and professionally in the next year.   For most of my life since graduating college, there have been roadblocks that have prevented me from continuing my education.  Getting my master's has always been a dream and goal of mine, not only to help me be a better teacher but to allow other professional avenues to be explored should I ever choose to leave the Early Childhood world.  I often imagine being a professor at a local university or technical school.  I enjoy educating adults almost as much as I like educating little ones.  And I figure, if I am able to instill some of my values into a preschool teacher who then touches 20 students per year, that's how many more children that I am reaching.  It may sound a little self-centered, but I am proud of who I am and what I know when it comes to little kids.  I would love to reach out that much more to help others.  

I think that kind of a final step for me as I look ahead into the new year is continuing to put myself first.  This one has a lot to do with me spending time with people who support me for me and acknowledge all that has happened in my life to make me who I am today.  This has always been a very difficult perspective for me since I have always wanted to be friends with everyone.  I have always wanted everyone to love me.  Unfortunately, I think I wanted people to love the "superficial me".  The girl/woman who never wanted to share anything because if I did, I could expose things that people may not like or agree with.  I know that I continue to struggle with this today.  I hold my tongue.  I listen rather than give advice or ask questions.  I tend to ask people how they are hoping that we never have the chance to talk about my life.  I have a constant fear in me that I offend people or that people will not like me for choices I have made.  It's terrible.  It's relentless. And it's definitely something that I would love to let go.  I know that the world does not revolve around me, so why do I always worry that someone is judging me?  It's ridiculous, I know.  But I guess it's one of those "resolutions" that I will continue to work on in order to be a healthier me.  

I look forward to what 2012 will bring.  I look forward to the new opportunities that will come my way.  I have made a lot of changes in 2011 that should help make this a better year.  But some of those changes will stick me with me for awhile as there are lessons to be learned that will continue to mold me into who I am.  

The idea of blank pages intrigues me.  As I have said many times, I would have never imagined previous books and pages being filled with what they have.  However, that was the book that was written.  Some of it I had control over.  Others, I did not.  It just makes me wonder how much of what has happened in the past will effect the pages this year.  How much can I control?  And how much is completely written out already.  

Feeling the Joy....Feeling the Pain on Christmas Day

Christmas Eve 2011...my 3rd Christmas without you.  For some reason, the thought of the 3rd Christmas finally hit me for the first time yesterday.  There I was decorating your gravestone for Christmas talking to you, and then it just hit.  Three Christmases...how is that even possible?  Where did the time go?  How could that much time have passed without me realizing it.  It seems like forever, Kennedy.  But yet, as I sat there at your gravestone yesterday, I realized why I had forgotten or why time has slipped my mind the last two Christmases.  The first Christmas without you I was in shock, numbness.  I didn't know what day it was much less Christmas.  I didn't want to celebrate.  I didn't want to do much of anything.  The second Christmas was spent with your Great-Grams at the hospital.  I was consumed by fear of what was going on with her.  So, last year I was distracted.  So, this year....well, this year I felt some joy.  I decorated.  I celebrated.  I honored.  I remembered.  And it hit.  I feel it finally.  The gap.  The loss.  Christmas without you.  It is more clear to me than ever what I am missing out on.  What you should be doing this Christmas.  What I should be doing. 

The pain is intense at times, especially when I am alone.  I think of you, and I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to just be.  I hate that the feeling of loss is still so strong even this far removed.  How can one just push it all away?  When does it finally go away?  Does it ever?  Will the pain that exists each time I see a little girl the same age as you always bring tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart?  Will it, sweet girl?  And if yes...why?  Why is such a terrible question.  I know why....I know that I can answer many of these questions.  But they still come up...and sometimes I don't like my answers.  Sometimes I just want different ones.  

But despite the pain, I have felt joy, sweet girl.  I know that this is the first Christmas since losing you that I have finally felt that.  And most of that is in celebration of your life.  This year, I adopted two little two-year old girls off of the Angel Tree.  I did this last year too, but this year felt different.  I was ready to shop for them.  I was even excited.  I looked carefully and cautiously for the perfect gifts for these little girls in need.  And as I chose those outfits and toys, you were always in the back of my mind.  (On a side note, I would have chosen the sparkly jeans for you...but wasn't sure about them for someone I didn't know :))  Your life brought some light to those little girls lives this Christmas.  I want to believe that I would have done that regardless of whether you were here or not, but I cannot truly say that.  So, you were definitely the difference.  I also decorated my apartment this Christmas, and of course, little pieces of you are integrated into so many of the decorations.  Little angels, winter butterflies and pink girly decorations seem to pop up more so than ever.  :)  I was excited to participate in giveaways, create handmade ornaments and gifts.  And all of those were ways to connect with people I have met throughout the years because of you.  Kennedy, do you see what I mean?  You bring me such joy during an often difficult time.  

The pain does hurt...but the the feeling of joy is powerful.  Joy is a feeling that I have been waiting for.  It is a feeling of delight.  And delight is definitely not something that I have used very often in my vocabulary in the last three years.  But I do, Kennedy Kate.  I feel joy.  You gave that to me.  You did while I was pregnant with you.  You would have if you were here today.  And you do even while you are away in Heaven.  Your life changed me.  You have showed me joy.  Thank you, baby girl.  Merry Christmas to you in Heaven.  May you also feel joy and love there too.  Love you always.  

I took my tree down to the shore
The garland, and the silver star
To find my peace, and grieve no more
To heal this place inside my heart

On every branch I laid some bread
And hungry birds filled up the sky
They rang thy bells around my head
They sang my spirit back to life

One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
For all my tears, for what I've lost
There's still my joy
There's still my joy
For Christmas day

The snow comes down on empty sand
There's tinsel moonlight on the waves
My soul was lost, but here I am
So this must be amazing grace

One tiny child can change the world
One shining light can show the way
Beyond my tears for what I've lost
There's still my joy
There's still my joy
For Christmas day
There's still my joy for Christmas day

~There's Still My Joy~ Indigo Girls~

Congratulations goes to....

Due to the overwhelming response and interest in this particular giveaway....I decided that I couldn't have just one winner.  So, there will be four winners.  However, the first winner chosen using Random.org will be the winner of the $40 gift certificate to Metal Stamped Memories.  The three runners-up will be in for some surprise holiday gift.  I hope that all of these giveaways help make the holiday season a little easier on your hearts...Thank you to all for participating and for reading my story.  Happy Holidays!! <3

The winner of the $40 gift certificate to Metal Stamped Memories is....

Commenter #89: Alison said...

I visited the Metal Stamped Memories website and my favorite piece was the necklace that says "I carry your heart in my heart" with the place for your baby's name and birthstone

DECEMBER 13, 2011 2:37 PM

The 1st Runner Up is...

Commenter #27: Holly said...

LOVE the "Too beautiful for this earth" necklace. Her stuff is amazing.

matthollycart@gmail.com

DECEMBER 12, 2011 5:18 AM

The 2nd Runner Up is....

Commenter #57: Stefanie said...

Missing my baby Sam, born still at 38 weeks on May 9, 2011.

DECEMBER 12, 2011 2:17 PM

And the 3rd Runner Up is...

Commenter #4: Lori Smith said...

Your jewelry is beautiful. I am missing my sweet angel Noel Ann.She is celebrating Christmas with Jesus. Since Noel means Christmas we know her spirit is with us and everyone else during the holidays.
Lori Smith

DECEMBER 11, 2011 9:31 PM

Congrats to all!  Winners please contact me at azaleakate@gmail.com as soon as possible or leave your email addresses below.  Holly, it looks like I have yours already.  Alison, I will want to get you in touch with Michaela soon.  Again, thank you so much for participating.  ((hugs))

On the Twelfth Day of 25 Days of Giveaways....

Hello, for the first time or the 50th time, either way, welcome and thank you for visiting "On KK's Butterfly Wings" and taking part in the 25 Days of Giveaways that was started by the beautiful Tina over at "Living without Sophia and Ellie." Last year was the first Christmas that I joined in on this wonderful event, and not only did it give me joy by winning but also by providing some joy to others.  I am honored to be part of it all again...and hope that it helps someone out there remember and honor the life/lives of the beautiful baby/ies he/she is missing.  

Just a little bit about my story....this is my 3rd Christmas without my firstborn and only daughter, sweet Kennedy Kate.  Kennedy became her very own angel after only 22 weeks gestation.  However, about a month after we lost her, we found out she had passed away due to complications with Turner's Syndrome.  Kennedy had fought long and hard to be with me as long as she could, but eventually, her little heart stopped developing.  Even as I sit here today, a little over two years removed from that day when we found out she was gone, I cannot believe it happened.  However, the one thing that always gives me some peace is knowing that she has a purpose.  That her life had purpose...and not just to me, but to many others.  Kennedy's life continues to educate others about miscarriage, stillbirth, compassion, empathy and grief.  Yet her life also teaches others to never take anything for granted and rejoice in the many blessings that you have been offered.  Kennedy is currently the greatest and best gift I have ever received.  I thank God everyday for giving me the opportunity to be her mother.  

Anyways, on to the giveaway.  As the title says... "On the twelfth day of 25 Days of Giveaways, I am offering you the opportunity to win a $40 gift certificate to Metal Stamped Memories.  This gift certificate is good towards any of the the beautiful aluminum pieces that the talented mother of Carter, Michaela, creates.  The lovely Michaela made a necklace for my giveaway last year and this year donated the gift certificate for the event.  Michaela is a lovely local Wisconsin woman who I met about a year ago at a walk called, "Miles of Hope."  After meeting her, I was able to purchase one of her necklaces that she specifically designed for that walk/run.  That necklace was one of the first pieces I bought in honor of Kennedy.  Since then, my collection of jewelry pieces has just taken off.  This includes the piece that I offered last year for the giveaway.

However, this is only one of the options that Michaela designs for mothers like me and you.  She has many more.  Here is another one of my new favorites of hers, "My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings."  There are ways that you can personalize and make it your own...Michaela is always very accommodating.  She knows and understands what it is like to go through a loss and how important it is for each of us to find ways to remember and honor our children.  

I cannot thank Michaela enough for donating such a wonderful and thoughtful gift.  I am privileged to know her and call her my friend.  I encourage every one of you to check out her shops either on her website, Etsy or Facebook.  She is absolutely amazing! :)

Okay, now on to how you can enter this incredible giveaway.  For one entry, please comment below on who you are missing this Christmas.  For a second entry, please check out and like Metal Stamped Memories Facebook page and then come back here and let me know.  For a third entry, please visit Metal Stamped Memories website  and return here to tell me your favorite piece of jewelry or keepsake.  Giveaway for Day 12 will close December 13th at 10:00 PM CST.  Winners will be announced on December 14th.  

Thank you again for visiting...sending lots of love to you all during this holiday season.  May the love of your angels always grace you with peace and joy in your hearts.  ((hugs))

Ready for a new era?

Tonight is my birthday eve...and not just any birthday eve, but this is the eve of my 30th birthday. A huge, momentous moment amoung many...I guess?! Thirty...hmmm. What does that mean? Is it really that big of a deal? Or is it just another year? And if it is a big deal, why does hitting the decades symbolize such a huge event? Why aren't other years celebrated or dreaded the same way?

The only real reason I can come up with is that we all have a fear of getting old. There was a time in our lives where we couldn't wait to be "older." At five, we couldn't wait to be an age where we could stay up later. At twelve, we couldn't wait to be teenagers. At fifteen, we couldn't wait to drive. At twenty, we awaited the day that we turned twenty-one. But then after 21, what is there? It's one of the weirdest phenomenons to me. Typically people spend only 20 years of their lives looking forward to the years ahead, but after that, there is a sense of foreboding that tends to go with the passing of time. But typically, people live well past their twenties. So, why do we spend the rest of our lives worrying, angry, afraid? Why don't most of us find ways to celebrate the time that is passing?

I think in the babyloss community, we worry a lot about time passing because it symbolizes how long we have been without our babies. We worry about who will forget the further we get away from that time. We become the voices for our children in Heaven by always emphasizing those moments or the time that has passed. We are the ones who know exactly how many years, months, minutes have passed from the time we said good-bye. So, for many of us, there have been moments in our lives when we would have preferred time to just stop. However, it didn't, and there was nothing we could do about it. Time has continued to move on, and so have we.

We are now the mothers of rainbows. We are the mothers of non-profits. We are the mothers of memorial events. We are the mothers of blogs. We are the mothers of memorial and remembrance items. We are the mothers of support groups. And as we all know, we wouldn't be the mothers of any of that without our babies and the time that has passed since we said good-bye. I know, personally, that without time I would never have been ready to set-up and organize the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day this year. I needed that time for my heart to heal and to gain the strength to reach out to other families who had been through similar situations. I needed time to be able to share my daughter and my story. I was able to do all of that with the gift of time.

So, yes, growing old can often be difficult and not fun. It can cause worry and frustration, but time can offer many opportunities. It gives all of us the chance to remember. It gives us a chance to grow. Develop. Change if we want to. Reflect. Start over. The time that has passed will always be there because the things that are most important we will never forget. Those things and events shaped us. However, to look forward allows us to take part in new adventures, new chapters, new moments.

Tonight, I am thankful for the gift of time. For the gift of another year. Another chance. A fresh outlook on all that could become of this year. I will look back on all that has happened in my 20s and fondly remember the good and bad times. And lately, it often feels like there are more bad times than good, but I had to have those times. I know that. They weren't and aren't easy, but there is a bigger story to tell. A story that continues into my 30s and beyond. So, I will celebrate being 30. And I will continue to look forward to the years, months, moments ahead.