Ready for a new era?

Tonight is my birthday eve...and not just any birthday eve, but this is the eve of my 30th birthday. A huge, momentous moment amoung many...I guess?! Thirty...hmmm. What does that mean? Is it really that big of a deal? Or is it just another year? And if it is a big deal, why does hitting the decades symbolize such a huge event? Why aren't other years celebrated or dreaded the same way?

The only real reason I can come up with is that we all have a fear of getting old. There was a time in our lives where we couldn't wait to be "older." At five, we couldn't wait to be an age where we could stay up later. At twelve, we couldn't wait to be teenagers. At fifteen, we couldn't wait to drive. At twenty, we awaited the day that we turned twenty-one. But then after 21, what is there? It's one of the weirdest phenomenons to me. Typically people spend only 20 years of their lives looking forward to the years ahead, but after that, there is a sense of foreboding that tends to go with the passing of time. But typically, people live well past their twenties. So, why do we spend the rest of our lives worrying, angry, afraid? Why don't most of us find ways to celebrate the time that is passing?

I think in the babyloss community, we worry a lot about time passing because it symbolizes how long we have been without our babies. We worry about who will forget the further we get away from that time. We become the voices for our children in Heaven by always emphasizing those moments or the time that has passed. We are the ones who know exactly how many years, months, minutes have passed from the time we said good-bye. So, for many of us, there have been moments in our lives when we would have preferred time to just stop. However, it didn't, and there was nothing we could do about it. Time has continued to move on, and so have we.

We are now the mothers of rainbows. We are the mothers of non-profits. We are the mothers of memorial events. We are the mothers of blogs. We are the mothers of memorial and remembrance items. We are the mothers of support groups. And as we all know, we wouldn't be the mothers of any of that without our babies and the time that has passed since we said good-bye. I know, personally, that without time I would never have been ready to set-up and organize the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day this year. I needed that time for my heart to heal and to gain the strength to reach out to other families who had been through similar situations. I needed time to be able to share my daughter and my story. I was able to do all of that with the gift of time.

So, yes, growing old can often be difficult and not fun. It can cause worry and frustration, but time can offer many opportunities. It gives all of us the chance to remember. It gives us a chance to grow. Develop. Change if we want to. Reflect. Start over. The time that has passed will always be there because the things that are most important we will never forget. Those things and events shaped us. However, to look forward allows us to take part in new adventures, new chapters, new moments.

Tonight, I am thankful for the gift of time. For the gift of another year. Another chance. A fresh outlook on all that could become of this year. I will look back on all that has happened in my 20s and fondly remember the good and bad times. And lately, it often feels like there are more bad times than good, but I had to have those times. I know that. They weren't and aren't easy, but there is a bigger story to tell. A story that continues into my 30s and beyond. So, I will celebrate being 30. And I will continue to look forward to the years, months, moments ahead.

Another good-bye...

Today I said good-bye again.  But not in the way that many think of immediately in this baby loss world.  This time the good-bye was to a marriage.  My marriage to Kennedy's daddy.  Although in many ways I feel like today was more a formality than the actual ending since we haven't been together in over a year now; however, it closes out a journey...a chapter. 

Eleven years is a long chapter, so maybe it was a couple of chapters, but nevertheless, I was forced to turn the page.  We started this process around April of this year, and today, I was told that I was officially a "non-married" person.  Wow...non-married.  It sounds almost surreal, especially when I have spent the last five as a "married" person, and even before that, felt married for most of my relationship with Kennedy's father.  

High school sweethearts.  College sweethearts.  Engaged at a parade in front of our entire hometown.  Bucky Badger attended our wedding.  Grand marshals at the Magic Kingdom parade.  Parents to a much-wanted daughter. And yet, despite all the wonderful events and opportunities that life granted us, we didn't grow together.  Life happened and it changed us.  

I really never thought something like this would happen to me...but again, I didn't think that I would lose my only daughter two years ago either.  It's just hard to imagine where life is going to take me.  I do see happy times and a light at the end of the tunnel, yet today one is of those days where the sadness has completely made the world feel very dark again.  I even caught myself crying at work today in front of two of my co-workers.  This is not something that ever happens.  I tend to keep my emotions bottled up inside until I find a time to cry by myself or blog about it here.  But today kind of rocked me, despite the formality of it all.  Today gave me a sense of finality.  Closure.  Maybe the tears are of relief?  Yes, definitely of sadness, but maybe the tears came because I can finally come to terms with what happened.  So, I can start to finally concentrate on me and accept who I am and where life has taken me.  It's all still very much a mystery at this point, but I'm hoping that time will lead me to the answers.  

After leaving the courthouse and driving home, I knew I needed to stop and visit my baby girl.  Kennedy will always be a part of her father and me, and she is the one connection that will always bring us back together.  I can't tell you that if Kennedy had lived her father and I would be together today, but I do believe that we would have put her first.  So, today was my day to apologize to her for what happened.  See, I know Kennedy watches over both of us, so I also know that she has seen our sadness and pain.  I can't stand that.  I don't like anyone to ever feel sorry for me or to worry about me, much less my little girl.  That is not her job, nor is it fair to her to have to see her mother upset, angry and hurt.  She's just a baby.  If she was here on Earth those are all emotions that I would hide from her.  Now, she's up in Heaven away from me, and she sees everything.  That is so hard.  I wish so much that things could have been different between her father and I.  That we could have showed her how we could be happy and in love again.  But that was not "meant to be."  We tried.  And while we tried, we hurt even more. 

So much of my life was built around my marriage and all of our hopes and dreams for the future.  And we did have some of the same dreams, but now, I am forced to follow many of them on my own.  My one hope for both of us despite the distance is that we are able to stay in touch, remember the good times, be happy and always carry the love of our daughter deep in our hearts.  

From this place...

As many of us in this community know, there are days that we wish we could go back.  Back to the world of naivete...back to the moment when we thought something was wrong....or just back to a world or time that felt safe.   This is one of those days for me.  A day when I wish I could just climb a tree and only see what is literally right in front of me or even what I want to see.  See what feels safe and know that I don't need to look back or ahead but just focus on the here and now.  But life just isn't like that.  There are things to do.  Lists.  Priorities.  Dreams.  Yet, I am afraid.  Afraid of what lies ahead.  Afraid of getting hurt and feeling pain.  So, instead, I just want to climb my tree and hide.  Hide and wait until the world seems safe enough to stand on the ground again.  I am wobbly now.  Weak.  I have been hurt.  Crushed.  This leads me into a deep and hopeless anxiety over what could come next.  I need hope.  I need reassurance.  I need support.  I need love.  Without these, I cannot take that next step on my own.  The step that leads to my future.  Yes, I can always look back and wish for what was or could have been.  But those days are gone.  At some point, I need to climb that tree and look at where I can go next.  What new tree I can climb.  What new dreams I can pursue.

This One Place

Sara Groves

I was about to give up and that's no lie

cardinal landed outside my window

threw his head back and sang a song

so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree

full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far

in this one moment I'm square in the dark

these are the things I will trust in my heart

you can see something else

something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid

tiny cloud over my head

heavy and grey with a hint of dread

I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat

with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far

in this one moment I'm square in the dark

these are the things I will trust in my heart

you can see something else

something else

25 Days of Giveaways Alert

So, I am totally trying to get back into blogging, especially with so many stressful events going on in my life, but before I do, I wanted to take the time to let everyone who reads my blog the opportunity to know about a fabulous event that will more than likely be taking place the entire month of December. It is called the 25 Days of Giveaways. This event was started by the beautiful and talented mother of Living Without Sophia and Ellie, Tina, two years ago after the loss of her twin girls. Tina is an amazing woman and mother to all of her children. She has an incredible talent of creating beautiful jewelry at Mama Mia Custom Stamped Jewelry. I personally own one of her custom-designed necklaces myself and it is one of my favorite pieces that I wear to honor Kennedy.

Anyways, back to the 25 Days of Giveaways.... Each day a blogger or two will host a day with some type of giveaway. It can be just about anything. For example, I have a wonderful friend who designs jewelry similar to Tina's, and I asked her to create a necklace for the event. Some bloggers offer giveaways directly related to the holidays or related to infant loss. It's up to you. If you are interested in hosting a day, please check out Tina's post located here. If you aren't interested in hosting a day but would love to check out the giveaways, Tina will be posting each day who is hosting. It will be up to you to keep up. In a holiday season that can often be quite difficult to get through while grieving the loss of your child/ren, this event is sure to put a smile on your face at some point. I not only won some things, but it introduced me to several different bloggers who have become my friends over the last year. Plus, there are some pretty talented people out there who create unique things for this community and for others.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I look forward to hosting one of the days for this event and helping whoever I can, including myself, get through some difficult times. Hang in there and know that we can get through this together. ((hugs))

Happy 2nd birthday in Heaven, sweet baby girl.

Today marks two years since my little girl grew her angel wings...  October 22nd marks the day that I was told that my daughter no longer had a heartbeat.  That she had left this Earth to enter another place.  I cannot even fathom that it has been that long now.  Where has the time gone?

It has been so long since I have written on here that I hardly know what to write anymore.  Yet, this is the place I have come to remember her.  To share her.  I may post something on Facebook, but this feels more secure.  Private.  Privileged.  I have shared Kennedy's story with so many, yet this is very much the place and world where I felt the most secure in doing so.  She was readily accepted as was I.  Here is where I continue to feel that her presence will be remembered.  Facebook is a place where people in my life who continue to wonder why I have not "moved on" will question why I would post a birthday remembrance for my dead baby still after all this time.  The scrutiny is enough for me to want to hide.  I just don't know....

I continue to feel some acceptance and love these days following the event that was planned for all babies gone too soon.  The idea came from my sweet little girl.  Without her, I would not have ever thought to plan such an event for the Madison area.  She is the reason for the celebration of life.  The gift of a child no matter how small was embraced and remembered.  Kennedy's life provided others the opportunity to talk and share about their babies.  What a gift she truly was and is.  She not only changed my life in more ways than I ever imagined, but she also has changed the lives of others.  The impact this little girl will have in the future is endless.  

As I sit and write, I think about what it would be like for me to be planning a 2nd birthday for a little girl.  Would it have been a family party?  Or would there be little friends for her too?  What would she wear?  What theme would the party be?  Would she smile and giggle with everyone around her or would she be shy with all the attention?  Would she jump right in to eat birthday cake or would her dainty little fingers never touch it at all?  Would my little girl want baby dolls or trucks and cars?  What music would we dance to?  How many fingers would she hold up?  How many changes of clothes would there be?  Those are my questions.  My dreams.  My fantasies.  It doesn't matter how any of those questions would have been answered....the important thing would be that they would be answered.  Because it would mean that she was here.  Alive.  With me.  Instead, I can only hope that this party is just as I imagined it to be...only in a different place.  A far better place than here, but without me.  I hope she is giggling in a frilly pink dress with pink ribbons in her hair with family and friends all around her.  I would hope she would at least try the birthday cake with pink frosting and try to blow out her candles with the help of others.  Knowing my little girl, she would want a baby doll as a gift and would dance to any music that was playing.  My little girl would be happy and loved.  My little girl is happy and loved.  

So, Miss Kennedy Kate, I wish you the happiest birthday/heaven date of them all.  May this year in Heaven bring new surprises...new joys...and love to you always.  Your mommy wishes she was there with you to celebrate or even for you to be here, but there will be many birthdays to celebrate someday when we meet again.  You are my dream come true, Kennedy Kate.  I never imagined that I could love someone as much as I love you...but it's true, a mother's love is so different than any other kind of love.  You are my world.  My prized possession.  My gift.  Being away from you is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.  I need you to continue to be happy, baby girl, and to always know how much you are loved and remembered.  You are my firstborn, KK...and you forever will hold a special place in my heart.  Give your Gr8ams a big hug and kiss from me.  

Love you to the moon and back, baby of mine.  

A "real" mother

This post is a long time in the making...  It is dedicated to all of you out there who have the desire to be a mother but may struggle with infertility issues, baby losses, etc.  This is post is about what makes you all a "real" mother.

Early in August, I was able to take a visit to the Milwaukee Zoo.  This is always one of my favorite "end of summer" trips before I mentally and physically prepare for the upcoming school year.  The Milwaukee Zoo not only was holding a Butterfly Exhibit during that time, but it also allows me to visit my two favorite orangutans, Mahal and MJ.  Mahal is the little guy you see in the video above and MJ is his mother.

Mahal had a painful first few months of his life as he searched for a mother that could take care of him and be the mother that he needed.  Once he was placed with MJ (who was unable to have children of her own but loved them ever the same), the bond was quite instant.  MJ was the mother that Mahal needed.  She was destined to have him in her life.  She was and is his mother.   Here is the link to the book that was created about Mahal and his journey to meet his mother, MJ.

I have always loved this story so much.  I think it relates so much to the world of loss, love and adoption.  It shows the deep desire to be a mother and to care for a child, whether that child is biologically your own or not.  If you didn't know the story of MJ and Mahal, you would never look at these two animals and think that Mahal isn't biologically connected to MJ.  MJ has nurtured and loved Mahal as her child.  He is her child.  So, I was devastated that day in August to hear the comment at least twice that "MJ isn't Mahal's real mommy."

What makes someone a "real" mommy?  Is it strictly based on a biological connection?  And if so, does that mean that if someday I decided to adopt a child that he/she would never be my "real" child or I would never be his/her "real" mother?  Would I continuously have to hear that?  How is that fair?  How does that make any sense at all?  The definition of a mother is:

         a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.

b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.

c. A woman who adopts a child.

d. A woman who raises a child.

These are the definitions of what makes someone a mother.  There is no definition of what a real "mother" is.  I am a mother.  Many of you who read my blog are mothers.  Mothers of babies in Heaven and on Earth.  MJ is a mother to Mahal.  And anyone who chooses to adopt a child is a mother to that child.  There may even be people who choose to care for a child without adoption or conception that could be considered mothers.  "Mother" is a word.  It is a name.  It is associated with a being who raises and cares for a child.  It is a privilege to carry that title.  It should not be abused.  Yet, it should be given out to those who have loved and cared for a child the way a child deserves to be cared for.  There should not be "real" or "surrogate" attached.  That shouldn't matter.  In the end, the name "Mother" should be given out by the child.  He/She knows who his/her mother is.  

I think not knowing for sure that Kennedy knows who I am has always been a concern for me.  When we meet someday in Heaven, will she recognize me?  Will she call me "Mommy"?  Will she know me as the one who carried her for 5 months but said good-bye too soon?  Does she look down on me and sense my love for her still?  I want this so much for her and for me.  I want her to see me and know who I am, despite the time we have spent apart.  I wish I was the one caring for her now.  The one who was rocking her to sleep.  Reading her bed-time stories.  Singing her songs.  I hope that she sees me as her mommy.  I hope she will always see me as the one who cares for her most of all.  

I know that this is something that we all hope for in the baby loss world.  The hope of meeting our babies once again and connecting in that special way that only a mother and her baby do.  I know that we also hope for the day when we will be mothers to special babies here on Earth too.  As I sit here and write, I can think of all my beautiful baby loss friends who have recently experienced the births of their rainbow babies and the ones who are awaiting the arrival of those rainbows (both through conception and adoption).  Each of us in this community know what loss feels like, yet each of us knows what love feels like.  Each of us realizes the importance in caring for a child, especially a child we so desperately want in our lives.  We are special kinds of mothers.  Each and every one of us.  Including you, MJ.

When I grow up....

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" is a common question asked of little kids.  Answers come in all sorts of various ways.  "A firefighter."  "A astronaut."  "A fisherman."  "A basketball player."  "A dog sitter."  Etc., Etc.  I was asked this very same question many times throughout my childhood, and quite often throughout those years the answer changed.  "A teacher."  "The first woman in the NBA." "The president." "A marine biologist." "A pediatrician." "A sports commentator." And finally back to, "a teacher" again.  Little did I know that the one answer I should have come up with every single time would be "a mother."  But not just any mother....I would need to be specific.  I needed to answer, "a mother to a living baby on Earth."

You really don't hear many young girls or boys express their desire to be a parent at a young age.  Some of the real little ones may say that, but not as often in today's society.  There is a push to be something "more."  I really never thought about how we, as a society, are quick to believe that everyone gets that chance to be a mother to a child on Earth.  I can hear teachers that I have worked with quickly dismiss the little girl who says she wants to be a mommy and say, "Well, yes, of course, but what else do you want to be?"  Why, I wonder, has the view of a mother changed?  Why can't that little girl just be a mother?  Why does she have to be something more?

I find myself having a really difficult time understanding this about our society right now, which is a very interesting viewpoint for me to take.  If you haven't noticed by now through my blogging or even through Facebook, I tend to a be a very strong-willed, independent woman.  I have pretty "left-sided" views on life.  I was one who always wanted something more.  I wanted to spread my wings, fight for my rights, and pretty much follow the sentiment, "I am woman. Here my roar."  And there is a part of me that really wants to do that still, but there is a greater need/desire taking over.  It's a need that almost feels unnatural because it's unlike anything I have ever felt before.  But it almost makes it the most natural need I have ever known.  I have a true passion to be a mother to a living child.  I know it's the one thing in the world I want most of all.  I know it's the one thing I will ever want most of all.

Of course I still very much ache for the child I will never hold here on Earth, my sweet Kennedy Kate, but this is a different feeling.  When I look at pregnant women or women with young children, I miss my daughter, but what I miss most is that opportunity to raise her here.  I want that chance to be up all night with my baby or watch him/her take his/her first steps or crawl.  I want to worry about my baby but know that I have some control over those worries as I care for that child.  I want to watch my child develop and grow into whomever or whatever he/she wants to be.  I want to support that child.  Love that child.  I want that here.  Those aren't things you can do for a baby in Heaven.  It's just not possible at this point.

This need comes at a very difficult time for me as Kennedy's father and I have just filed for divorce.  So, I'm not seeing any way of meeting this need anytime in the near future, which may make it hurt even more.  In the past two years, I have seen myself go from one of the first in my family, group of friends, co-workers be pregnant to the one on the sidelines watching everyone else getting their needs and wishes met.  While I'm still waiting....hoping...praying....even believing that it has to come true at some point.  It feels like everyone else gets a baby at the end of their pregnancy (although, I know this is very much not true), why shouldn't I?  Why didn't I answer that question 20+ years ago, "I want to be a mother to a living child on Earth"?  Would it have made a difference today?  Probably not....but if someone would ask that of me today, I would definitely answer differently.  There isn't anything I want more when I grow up.

July's letter to my daughter

Dearest sweet daughter of mine,

Kennedy, your mommy has kind of been neglecting this place for most of the month.  With good intention and good reasoning behind everything I am doing, but it still bothers me that I haven't spent time writing about the journey that this month has been and all that I have been doing for you and me.  You see, Kennedy, I really think July has kind of opened a new door for what this journey without you is going to bring me.  I see changes.  I see strength.  I see excitement.  I see ambition.  But most of all, I am finding purpose.  A purpose and a drive to continue to share you with others.  This drive has led me down the path of starting the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Event here in Madison.  I can hardly believe that this actually might happen, sweet girl.  But it really appears that it might.  There are so many more things to do and plan, but it's going to be beautiful, KK.  Really beautiful.  And I'm doing this all because of you.  You have led me to this place.  Again, I am eternally grateful for you.  You have brought me so much peace and happiness in times when I never thought I would feel it again.  Thank you.

The other thing that I must mention that has occurred in the last month is the fact that your Daddy and I will no longer be together.  Oh, sweet girl, this one brings me such sadness because of all that you brought to our lives.  I want you to always know that us not being together is not because of you.  However, Kennedy, you must know that your mommy hasn't been happy for quite awhile now, and it was time for your daddy and I to move our separate ways.  We will always have you in our hearts guiding the path that our lives will lead now.  We share a bond that many people don't.  We share the fact that you are and will always be our daughter.  Our first-born.  We will celebrate your life and your memory forever...and more than likely even together on those special days that we keep just for you.  We will stay friends forever.  This is important to both of us as 11 years is a long time to share your life with someone.

Dear, sweet girl.  I hope you are well up in Heaven.  Mommy hasn't visited your other place lately either.  I do hope you know that I think of you often and everything surrounding this event and my drive to see it accomplished is about you.  I have a secret to tell you, Kennedy.  We are holding this event exactly 1 week before your heaven date.  It's kind of exciting because it's going to be kind of an early birthday party for you.  P.S. It's going to be pretty big.  Shh...don't tell anyone though.  :) 

Well, baby, it's almost the end of July, so I must end this letter.  I hope that there is someway that I can get back into writing more again.  I know it's about not having time, but I used to force myself to make time.  It allowed me to get my emotions out, especially when I haven't been to see the grief counselor for awhile now either.  It's weird this whole grief journey.  I don't really like it because I have no control.  But I guess I don't really have a choice, unfortunately. 

Sending many kisses and hugs up to Heaven always....thank you for your guiding spirit and inspiration.

Love to you always,
Mommy

Your Life Vs. Mine

Seriously...I am waiting.  I keep waiting for the time when I can write a really good post.  A post about something or someone positive in my life.  And I should have that...  No, wait, I DO have that.  But why does it seem like the "Negative Nellies" in my life are the ones I write about?  Or spend time with?  One reason seems to be that I get so frustrated with certain people that it just leads me to vent...  And I really hate to use this space as venting, especially when there was a time that this place was sacred only to my sweet girl.  When all I wanted to do was talk about her and how I was dealing with the loss of her.  However, I guess the title of On KK's Butterfly Wings describes my life after the loss of her.  And this is my life now.  My life without her as I try to deal with people who frustrate me to the point of needing to write and share.  Okay, so now that I've found a reason to share this story again, here it is:

Before I officially start, this post has been changed for confidentiality reasons.  I may even think about eventually taking this post off of this blog, but for now, I will keep it as generic as I can. 

As we all know, we have some people in our lives who show support and love throughout anything we go through.  I think in the case of baby loss, we tend to lose more people than we thought was possible, but there are still those few who stick around.  I still find about 20 months later that I am bothered by those people who weren't able to support me when I needed them most of all.  And some of those people were family members of mine.  Close family members who were a part of very important events in my life. 

I have tried the philosophy of letting things go....and trying to find forgiveness for their lack of empathy.  I even try to forget those times.  But all it takes is lack of empathy again when it comes to my newest loss that leads me down that path of anger.  So, as of late, this is where I am again.  And the cause has been a comparison of someone else's life to mine. 

I hate to compare.  I think that I lived a life of comparison as a child.  I always wanted to be the best at everything.  The best athlete.  The best student.  The best looking.  Etc. Etc.  I wanted to be the girl who had it all.  However, I hung around a group of girls that always had all of those things.  And they were all better than me.  Or so I perceived.  Then, I went off to college and gained a little bit of self-confidence and self-esteem.  My group of friends was no longer based on what we played or how we looked, it was based on common interests or career choices.  However, I think there has always been self-esteem issues in the back of my head. They linger and cause me to worry a lot about what people think of me. 

So, when someone makes a comment that his/her life is harder than mine.  I immediately want to jump down his/her throat.  Not that I think differently or want to believe that my life is worse, but I don't want to compare.  To compare situations and emotions can lead to the judgment of character, self-esteem and self-confidence.  I don't want that.  I have learned, especially in the last couple of years, that we are all extremely different people and we handle situations that come our way the best way we know how.  We handle them based on previous experiences, where we are emotionally in our lives, and the types of support we have or reach out to.  I also truly believe that we are genetically programmed to handle situations a certain way.  And most of the time, this is different than the person sitting next to you.  So then, how can you compare? 

In my opinion, this person cannot and shouldn't.  He/She has not walked in my shoes.  And I have not walked in his/hers.  The only thing that I ask of him/her to do is to take the time to imagine what my life is like.  Walk in my shoes for just a minute before you choose to make a rash comment.  I promise you, I will think about yours.  But I will not compare. 

The other thing I will not do is wish my life on you in order for you to know what it has been like for me.  I would never wish my life on anyone else, although I do know that some people in this world have been through much more.  This is my life.  This is the life I have been given.  Some things have been in my control.  Others have not.  But I am doing my best to make the most of it.  I hope that you can make the most of yours too. 

There are days when I would like to tell this person in my life what I really feel.  How angry and hurt I am.  Obviously, this has been boiling up for awhile.  There have been events in my life that have led to this hurt, let-down feeling with this particular person, especially early on after my loss of Kennedy.  An event in which he/she never took the time to support me.  Or mention word of my baby.  He/She still hasn't.  It's like my baby never existed in his/her life.  And obviously this behavior still haunts me, but like I said before, I always continue to work on letting things go.  I guess my mission now is to try to forget that he/she made this comparison.  And to support this person the best I can despite the ache I feel that he/she doesn't know to be there for me. 

I know that this is what Kennedy would want and do.  This is the way I would teach her.  This is the way she is being taught by watching me, listening to my words and spending time with my Grams.  My Kennedy would know and understand empathy and forgiveness.  She would know how to accept others for their differences.  I will do this in her memory.  I will do this for her.